In Fairness

[judifilksign]

Had a talk with my Darling Husband, the man I truly do love and adore, regarding a previous post regarding housework.

He had a few things to say, including not liking to be complained about in a public forum in a way that makes him look like an ass, without a way to even reply.  I must admit I posted before having a discussion with him about it, which wasn't nice on my part.  I was more into my irritation than actual problem solving.  It was intended to be a general moan-and-complain post about housework in general, and how hard it is to keep up, rather than a slam on him.  He was hurt I hadn't come to him first, and that he found out about it by reading my journal instead of talking with me.

He made the valid point that having housework sprung upon one when you're in the midst of doing something pleasant, without knowing how long you're going to do it, or how many activities you are going to be asked to do does not make for happy, willing help.

Another valid point he made was that when I am feeling thwarted in getting things DONE by the family, I can be really nasty.  (No wonder everyone wants to do exactly what I say, then run away so I don't notice them for a while.)  This took me a bit by surprise, because I hadn't seen myself as being snarly; I was aware that I was irritated inside, but I thought I had a better grip on it than I evidently did.  I think I am better about being pleasant with the students at school than I am with my own family at home.  I am resolved to do better, because this is an ugly trend that needs to be nipped in the bud for certain.

Also needing to be acknowledged:  the house did not get into CHAOS overnight, and my habits of letting things slide certainly contributed to the mess, not just the efforts of my kith and kitties and kin.  The fact that I hit my "enough" bar does not automatically make it a crisis across the board for everyone to drop everything to fix it instantly.

So:  resolved in our productive discussion:

• Scheduled times in advance that we shall tackle cleaning, instead of it being "sprung" on the family without warning.
• A time limit (15 minutes of this, 20 minutes of that, up to 30 minutes) and that even if things go amazingly well, not to "kitchen sink" and add on tasks and time until the whole day becomes grunge and ordeal.
• Lists of set tasks needing to be accomplished.  (Toy boogie cleanup, laundry folding, scrubbing, tool sorting, fix-its, etc.)
• No more mean talk!  (Snow White got a lot accomplished by praise, now, didn't she?
• An "experience point" system for the family, points to be spent on family fun time activities together, thought up by committee.
   

I wish to thank everyone who posted such good advice for me after my cranky post.  Those good thoughts helped my husband and me to have a good discussion resulting in what I think is a good plan of action.

Comments

[ursuscelticus.livejournal.com]

Might I humbly suggest www.chorewars.com (http://www.chorewars.com/): "Finally, you can claim experience points for housework."

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

This has serious potential. Methinks this merits a try. Thank you for the link!

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

I like the ideas, and I hope they help out. I for one would be happy to hear, in say six months or so, how they are working out, because I think they could be valuable for other families.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

Um, HEYYY! Memory-tagged: this looks very much applicable to our family, for me and my beloved w.r.t. ourselves, each other, and the (grown-but-in-residence) offspring.

[pondside.livejournal.com]

First -- HUGS

Second. I like clean and tidy but I have a tendency to put things on flat surfaces where they stay until they crawl off or I can't stand it anymore.

R is right, our family is messy. E tries very hard to be tolerant. One of the joys of coming back here is large open spaces of clean.

When our Princess left Oceanside the cleanup didn't take long and my emotional reaction told me how much it had affected me having it both incredibly cluttered, messed up and DIRTY. Clean is the most important for me.

I still have about a 4 x 4 table top one layer deep in music books, hat, compressed air can, salt, pepper, talking feather and kleenex... in Pondside. I'll have it picked up and the suitcases (music stands, cables, music, etc) unpacked by Saturday when D gets home.

Would it help in your family if everyone focused on a specific area? Cleaning the house is more daunting and nebulous than clearing off the table or clearing off the kitchen counters etc. The one rule I am trying very hard to employ is put it where it belongs, NOT just somewhere else...

Next door the boys were actually embarrassed to bring friends home because it was so bad but they didn't want to complain and didn't know how to fix it. Lynn spent 2 hours over there, working and supervising them and they were thrilled, shocked it took so little work (in their minds it was a 4 week job) and... discovered they had a lovely fireplace. They didn't know it was there... too much crap piled in front of it.

Anyway -- I understand you weren't trying to beat anyone up, just vent. I also understand DH being defensive and hurt. He is not the house slave but neither are you. I truely believe in equitable distribution of labours and learning how to clean and tidy is good for the boys. Doing things you don't want to do (both you and DH) is necessary. Sparkle also can help, just not perhaps with the same focus.

Putting stuff left around into "jail" or time out is a good idea. but that is for the adults too...

hugs and much love from my clean and orderly and VERY lonely house on the West Coast.

[shancara.livejournal.com]

Did you see mzwyndi's Facebook status about http://www.chorewars.com/ for that experience point thing?

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

We're going to try it!

In Fairness

[mzwyndi.livejournal.com]

Kudos to you both for fruitful discussion. I think if Kevin and I can declutter, there is hope for us all.

Homey Comics

[castelyn.livejournal.com]

There's an old Yankee proverb: "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." I used to live by this motto, but now I think it leads to keeping junk around.

There's an old Japanese proverb: "Every extra thing you own is extra trouble." They should know -- many Japanese houses are very small. They tend to put things away, or rotate their decorative objects so there are few on display at any one time.